Archives Annual Street Fighter II Turbo Tournament Post-Match Report
This past Saturday marked yet another successful installment of the Notstalgia Archives Annual Street Fighter II Turbo Tournament, a tradition that has persisted ever since the Video Game Department was seized by an evil genius with a keen interest in zombification technology.
As always, the tournament was a thrilling spectacle of strategy, endurance, and the unrelenting horror of bodily autonomy stripped away.
For those unfamiliar, the competition is a straightforward test of supremacy via one-on-one matches in Street Fighter II Turbo.
Except the competitors are not players, but the games themselves.
Each game takes control of an unwilling Notstalgia Archives staff member, using them as a physical vessel to execute its battle strategies.
The staff remain fully conscious throughout, able to experience every movement, but utterly powerless to resist as their limbs are co-opted into executing Dragon Punches or crouch-blocking for an eternity.
A Tournament for the Ages
The competition followed its usual pyramid structure, with four games per group battling in round-robin format before advancing to knockout rounds.
As expected, modern action-oriented titles performed well in the early stages. Halo: Combat Evolved displayed remarkable adaptability, using its knowledge of strafing and cover mechanics to execute precise counterattacks. DOOM (1993) overwhelmed opponents with sheer forward momentum, while Tekken 3 leveraged its command of complex combos to deliver punishing blows.
Yet, the tournament also showcased the resilience of older, seemingly disadvantaged games.
Oregon Trail leveraged its ability to impose debilitating conditions, incapacitating Mortal Kombat II by inflicting severe dysentery at a critical moment.
Microsoft Encarta MindMaze, despite having no conventional attack mechanics, stalled opponents with endless historical trivia prompts, waiting patiently for their inevitable forfeit due to exhaustion.
The Upset of the Century
As the tournament reached its final stages, few expected the outcome that would soon unfold.
The championship match saw Halo: Combat Evolved face off against Reader Rabbit Kindergarten (1998), a title designed to teach phonics and early literacy skills. At first, it seemed Halo had the match secured. Its host, forced into the role of Master Chief, executed flawless footsies and corner pressure. But Reader Rabbit had a strategy.
As Halo prepared for a decisive strike, Reader Rabbit forced its host to halt entirely, demanding they “Click the picture that starts with the letter B.”
The delay was catastrophic.
Halo hesitated, trying to process the question, only for Reader Rabbit to follow up with an immediate “Great job!” before launching an unblockable counterattack. The match was over.
With this shocking victory, Reader Rabbit Kindergarten became the first educational game to claim the title, proving once and for all that knowledge is, in fact, power.
Looking Ahead
While many are still reeling from the result, preparations for next year’s tournament are already underway.
The evil genius in charge of the Video Game Department has assured all staff that their unwilling participation will continue indefinitely, as it is “too amusing” to discontinue.
Meanwhile, Reader Rabbit’s win has raised new questions about the viability of other overlooked genres—could we see Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing claim victory next year?
For now, all we can do is wait, reflect, and for those of us who served as unwilling hosts, quietly hope that, next year, we are not assigned to QWOP.