Introduction of Our New Social Media Expert
A formal welcome to our new social media expert (who is not here yet)
In keeping with the long-standing traditions of Notstalgia Archives, it was deemed both proper and prudent to formally introduce our newly appointed Social Media Expert.
However, it has come to our attention that their anticipated first day is not today.
This leaves us in an awkward position, as we had already committed to producing a blog post in recognition of their arrival.
Rather than abandon the effort entirely, it has been determined that the most reasonable course of action is to present, in its unaltered form, the application that secured their employment.
Note on privacy
Given our lack of familiarity with proper redaction techniques, we must request that readers refrain from perusing any particularly sensitive information that may inadvertently be included.
The candidate in question, we should note, has explicitly asked for discretion regarding certain personal details.
While we will make a concerted effort to honour their request, we acknowledge that our ability to do so is somewhat constrained by the limitations of our own expertise in document sanitisation.
Answers from their Job Application Form
Q: By what merits, past engagements, or inherent proclivities do you deem yourself most fitting to undertake the duties incumbent upon this role?
I have extensive experience managing online communities and crafting engaging content. I understand the importance of tone and audience engagement, and I genuinely love the kind of work you are doing.
Also, to be entirely honest, I am in an incredibly desperate situation.
My last job vanished overnight, leaving me in my pajamas at noon, staring at a termination email with a half-eaten granola bar in hand.
Since then, I have survived on instant noodles, self-pity, and increasingly unhinged job applications.
I am, at this point, willing to do just about anything, no matter how demeaning, if it means a paycheck.
Q: To what extent have you acquainted yourself with the storied annals and esteemed undertakings of Notstalgia Archives?
I may not have been aware of Notstalgia Archives before I saw the job ad, but the more I skimmed the description, the more I became convinced that I wanted to have you pay me money. I cannot imagine a more perfect opportunity for me, or, frankly, a more perfect candidate for you tg pay.
Q: Are there any aspects of the job you may struggle with?
I am happy to struggle with all tasks you give me.
Q: Is there anything else you would like us to know?
Yes, but please do not share this publicly.
If you have Googled my name, you have likely already found the incident. I want to be upfront about it for transparency’s sake, but I am begging you not to repeat it.
Yes, I was the person who mistakenly sent a heartfelt, three-paragraph resignation email not to my boss, but to the entire company Slack, including multiple clients.
Yes, I did end the email with ‘Go fuck your mother,’ believing I was sending it privately.
No, I did not realize this until my phone started vibrating with an avalanche of horrified and confused responses.
I have spent every day since trying to live it down.
Please, I implore you - this is only for this application.
I am trusting you.
A final word
We extend our sincere appreciation for the evident enthusiasm and commitment demonstrated within this application.
In the spirit of transparency, it must be acknowledged that the competitive nature of this hiring process was somewhat minimal, given that this was the only submission received.
Nevertheless, we remain assured that our newly appointed Social Media Expert (who is, at present, regrettably absent) will serve as a valuable asset to our team.
Their official commencement date has now been scheduled for a future occasion, at which time they will presumably assume responsibility for posts of this nature, introducing a level of polish and expertise that, it must be conceded, is presently lacking.
Until such time, we extend a formal yet anticipatory welcome in absentia and await their eventual arrival with great optimism.