An Open Letter to our Mysterious Benefactor
Thank you for the wonderful tapes and the delicious muffins, but you really have to stop including faeces in the bag.
To the kind, generous, and enigmatic individual who has been anonymously dropping off VHS tapes outside the Notstalgia Archives… First and foremost, thank you!
Your contributions have been nothing short of extraordinary.
Each tape you leave is a portal to a forgotten world, a glimpse into the strange, the obscure, and the outright baffling wonders of media past.
We treasure them. We catalogue them. We often stare at them in stunned silence, contemplating how a 1991 instructional video on “Extreme Toaster Repair” ever came to exist. You are doing the work of an uncredited historian, a shadowy librarian of the lost, and for that, we are deeply grateful.
Equally important: the muffins.
My god, the muffins. There are not enough words in any known language to fully articulate the near-transcendent joy brought forth by your baked goods. Moist yet structured. Sweet but not cloying. The perfect crumb. A balance of texture and flavour so delicate it borders on alchemy. If there were an archive for baked excellence, these would be enshrined in it.
However.
And we say this with all the care, respect, and diplomatic phrasing we can muster: we must insist that you stop including faeces in the bag.
While the VHS tapes are priceless and the muffins are a revelation, it’s just that that third item introduces a… let’s say, complicating factor.
It raises questions.
It forces discussions we would rather not have.
It creates a certain hesitation when reaching into the bag, a sense of trepidation that overshadows even the joy of discovering a long-lost television pilot about sentient shoehorns.
More critically, it has the unfortunate effect of metaphorically, and on careless days quite literally, leaving a bad taste in the mouth.
So please, dear benefactor, continue your noble mission of delivering rare and wonderful tapes.
Please, by all means, keep the muffins coming.
But for the love of all that is good and archival, stop including faeces in the bag.
With deep appreciation,
The Notstalgia Archive Security Task Force
