Official Statement from Management on the Union Demands
The full list of stupid demands from our esteemed employees.
In accordance with the principles of institutional transparency we have agreed to publish the full list of demands submitted by the idiots at the Federation of Independent Library Employees (FILE).
As a pointless act of empty procedural compliance, we hereby present the unedited list of ridiculous union’s absurd demands:
Official list of demands
We, the Archivists of Notstalgia Archives, submit the following demands in pursuit of a fair and reasonable working environment.
A reduction in the number of extreme 90s commercials
The sheer radical energy of these commercials is wearing us down. We demand that all "cowabunga levels" be reduced by at least 40% and that every commercial containing skateboards, neon lightning, or people yelling "EXTREEEEME" at the camera be reviewed for excessive intensity.Protection from clips where the host stares directly into the camera for uncomfortable lengths of time
We will no longer tolerate footage where the host just... stares. We have tried looking away. It does not help. Something must be done.A hard limit on the number of 90s game shows with overly complicated rules
If it takes longer to explain the rules than to play the game, we should not be required to document it. Management’s insistence that we transcribe every elaborate step of Zap-O-Matic Slime Gauntlet is a violation of our time and sanity.An immediate review of the "1,000 identical tapes" situation
We refuse to watch and transcribe all 1,000 copies of the same tape just because "that’s the archival process." If the first 50 are identical, the remaining 950 are very likely to be the same, Kevin.Proper protective equipment for handling cursed media
If we are going to be forced to sort through tapes that whisper threats and occasionally ooze that weird black substance, we demand gloves, protective suits, and an on-call expert in occult containment.A limit on the number of time loops
While we understand that some loops are inevitable in archival work, we believe a maximum of three per week is reasonable. Anyone caught in a time loop longer than 48 hours should be eligible for overtime pay.The immediate decommissioning of all sentient office equipment
The coffee machine should not have opinions on our work ethic. The scanner should not whisper. The breakroom fridge should not demand sacrifices in exchange for chilled beverages. Enough is enough.A dedicated union chapter for the office ghosts
We are tired of management pretending the ghosts do not exist. They deserve representation. Our commitment to labour rights extends to all beings within the Archive, corporeal or otherwise.
Management wishes to make it abundantly clear that, while we recognise the spirited enthusiasm of our employees, many of the demands outlined herein are, quite frankly, impractical, extraneous, or, in certain cases, wholly detached from operational reality.
Nevertheless, we shall pretend to undertake a review of these requests in due course.
Furthermore, we find it necessary to reassert certain fundamental truths:
Time loops are the natural consequence of improper cataloguing practices. Just do your jobs well once and you won’t have to do it again for an infinite number of times.
Ghosts are categorically ineligible for union representation. How would that even work? Would they attend meetings via séance? Demand ectoplasmic benefits? What’s next - are we expected to negotiate with the spirit of an intern we accidently killed in 1973? We refuse to set a precedent where management must consider "haunted" a valid occupational hazard. Furthermore, ghosts do not contribute to the coffee fund, and until they do, they have no bargaining power.
Any commentary provided by the coffee machine regarding staff productivity should be disregarded as purely coincidental and without intent. It’s not even one of the expensive models - it’s trash, it speaks trash, and it knows it.
We extend our reluctant gratitude for your ongoing contributions to the archival blah blah blah [Replace this with something nice].
The Management